All My Love

[kumo_is_kumo]

Title: All My Love

Pairing: Kaisoo

Genre: Romance, Fluff, Semi-Angst

Length: Oneshot

Summary: Kyungsoo is silent. Jongin is loud. Kyungsoo is not sure. Jongin is insecure. This Christmas, their worlds clash.
















Asianfanfics link



People say, Do Kyungsoo is weird. People say, Do Kyungsoo is crazy. People say, Do Kyungsoo is mental. People say, Do Kyungsoo is mute.

But.

Jongin says, Do Kyungsoo is not weird. Jongin says, Do Kyungsoo is not crazy. Jongin says, Do Kyungsoo is not mental. Jongin says, Do Kyungsoo is not mute.

He is perfect.



Jongin remembers clearly the moment he met Do Kyungsoo a year ago, when bumped onto his locker because of hurrying over and caused Do Kyungsoo to hover over him and asked for his condition concernedly.

It’s quite funny to think about that day.

Because, the Do Kyungsoo who everyone says as mute and unpredictable, is dating Kim Jongin who is loud and troublemaker (not really).



It’s their last year in high school.

Jongin knows something is off with their relationship, but he doesn’t want to mention it. He doesn’t want to jinx it.

He knows his boyfriend is a silent person. But Kyungsoo is too silent for his own good.



Their friends tease him about it. About how Jongin could like someone as weird as Kyungsoo.

Jongin doesn’t find him weird. Instead, he fidns Kyungsoo endearing; like he is unique and he is the only one in this world by.



“Kyungsoo, do you want to be my boyfriend?”



The answer was simple to his confession. Kyungsoo nodded his head. Jongin smiled at that time, because the blush on his cheeks was precious.

The first date took a week after his confession and Jongin couldn’t forget it. Kyungsoo came all formal with his attire and he ended up embarrassed with himself that he wanted to cancel the date. Jongin shook his head no and dragged his boyfriend to the clothing store and spoiled him by buying him clothes he deemed cute on him.

They had their first skin ship with hand holding and Kyungsoo’s hand trembled all the time. Jongin grinned happily.

Kyungsoo was freezing when they had their first hug; with Jongin pulling his refusing boyfriend into his arms until finally Kyungsoo gave up and went slack in Jongin’s embrace, with his fists gripping onto Jongin’s coat as if his life depended on it.

Their first kiss was awkward, but it was cute. Kyungsoo stumbled on his feet when Jongin cornered him in his room. The bump of their noses was silly but Jongin laughed at that, before pressing his lips briefly against Kyungsoo’s. His boyfriend stared wide-eyes at him before he looked away.

The first time they got intimate was when Jongin slept over. Kyungsoo’s parents were out for three days and they settled comfortably in Kyungsoo’s bed at one night, until finally Jongin drew him close to kiss his lips before they got carried away and they whispered that it was their first time. Jongin couldn’t be happier than that.



Kyungsoo doesn’t always try to initiate a conversation with Jongin, but he shows it with every single detail of caring for Jongin’s well-being.

Jongin doesn’t always appreciate silence by keep talking, but he gives Kyungsoo his calm time whenever they sit side by side in the train.



***



Kyungsoo doesn’t tell anybody about it. But he feels suffocated.

He loves talking. He used to.

He used to love making friends, smiling, laughing, and hanging out.

His childhood broke him.

Everyone hated him. He was ugly, speak too much, his smile was creepy, he was stupid, he was an orphan.

He was a loner.

Kyungsoo shut himself inside his own comfort zone, ignoring people’s try on coming close, getting moved from one orphanage to another, then another, then another. Until his current parents adopted him and he couldn’t thank them enough for that.

They try to make him talk more but Kyungsoo always shakes his head no and he bends his head down.

Kyungsoo is not sure—

About what he should do with his life.

About how to live his life.

About how to treat people with care, even though he wants to.

His attempts of caring always fail.

Like the time when his first friend moved away, or when his turtle Mei died, or when his father broke his leg, or when his mother ruined her cooking, or when his real parents abandoned him, or the time when his first love got hurt pretty badly.

Kyungsoo wants to try, but he is not sure.

Not sure of what to do or what to say.

So he keeps silent. The less you talk, the less you get hurt.



***



Jongin doesn’t have to tell anybody about it because everyone can read him like an open book. Everyone but Kyungsoo.

He loves silence. He used to.

He learns from the best experience that shutting yourself is not the best choice out there.

So he keeps being loud, to hide the stifling silence in his head.

Everyone loves to talk, moreover to their favorite person.

But people always end up leaving, don’t they?

Jongin never gets to understand why people hurt each other. They should have talk what’s on their mind instead of keeping it in. You wouldn’t know what other people’s thinking.

It’s suffocating to be in a silence; so Jongin keeps on being loud.

To spare himself from listening the echo of his own voice, with no one answering to whatever he is talking.

Jongin is insecure—

About the reason of people leaving him one by one.

About why people hurt each other.

About why he keeps being loud when he himself sometimes respect the silence he needs.

His attempt of saying what’s in his mind doesn’t always end well.

Like the time when his cousin cried because of him, or when his first puppy died, or when his parents got mad at him, or when his friends chose another friend, or when his first love left him for good.

Jongin wants to try, but he is insecure.

Insecure of everything around him.

So keeps being loud. The more you talk, the more you can stop the hurt.



***



It’s a secret, yet it’s not.

The both of them have to heal.

But then again—

Kyungsoo is not sure and Jongin is feeling insecure.



***



They lack of communication.

Jongin thinks it’s fault and Kyungsoo thinks it’s his fault.



The Christmas comes and it’s their last party before they leave for college.

Their relationship is barely there, holding onto a thin string of bond. Jongin knows there’s something wrong with them.

They walk along the empty night street; the snow is falling and Jongin couldn’t stop thinking about how pretty it is. Kyungsoo also couldn’t stop admiring the snow.

It’s white; it’s pure.

Their hands might be intertwined together; but both know there’s bound to be a stop in the calm pattern.







Jongin watches the boy who is staring at the falling snow. He is beautiful and silent, but Jongin needs to be sure about this.



“Kyungsoo, do you love me?”



His mouth speaks before he could stop it. His mind ponders on the answer Kyungsoo will give him. It’s anticipating; yet it’s fearing.

Kyungsoo turns to see him, all with his blank face and wide eyes. Jongin unconsciously drops their hands, breaking the skin contact and completely misses the flinch Kyungsoo’s hand makes. It’s cold. And the warmth is going away.



Jongin doesn’t understand the meaning of silent as the answer from Kyungsoo.



“Do you love me?”



Kyungsoo grips his fists; before he nods his head.



Jongin winces, his hear twists.

“Say it.”

Kyungsoo stays silent.

“Say it.” Jongin repeats.

Kyungsoo stares at him.

Jongin glances away, hissing.

“You don’t.” He whispers, turning his back to Kyungsoo. His boyfriend parts his mouth but closes it again.



“Do you want to break up?”



Yet again, Kyungsoo doesn’t answer and Jongin hisses in sadness.



“Let’s break up then.”



Jongin waits and waits. No answer.

He stares at Kyungsoo through his shoulder and sees his ex-boyfriend is looking down on his feet. Jongin laughs humorlessly, before walking away.

Run after me. Let me know that you love me.



Kyungsoo feels his heart drops the moment Jongin mentions about breaking up. He wants to say no.

Jongin walks away and Kyungsoo stares at his broad back getting further in each second.

Don’t go. Don’t turn away from me.



Jongin wants break up.

Kyungsoo turns on his heels before walking away; away from Jongin.

It hurts.

But if it’s what Jongin wants, then it’s fine.



Kyungsoo doesn’t stop him.

Jongin glances back and finds Kyungsoo walking away; away from him.

It hurts.

But if it’s what Kyungsoo wants, then it’s fine.



This Christmas, their worlds clash.



***



Jongin runs, eyes squeezed shut once in a while and lungs protesting for fresh air.

His legs almost buckle down and he wants nothing but to rest but no, this can’t wait any longer.



Dear Jongin.

It’s me, Kyungsoo. I’m sorry that I’m such a coward, but I think I should let you know.



Jongin rushes, getting onto the train and impatiently tapping his feet.



I’m not sure about everything. I have never been so sure about everything. Getting into a relationship with you was my first decision that I was so sure about. It’s all trial at first; I admit it. I mean, you are a polar opposite of me; you wouldn’t keep going on for too long.

But I like you. So much.

From the way you cry when you watch a movie, to the way you smile when you are happy.



The ringing never stops and Jongin curses silently because his call is never get an answer.



So I make another decision to let you know, through this letter, that you are so important to me. I couldn’t be selfish to keep you by my side when you deserve so much more. You can go travel the world and you can meet various people and find a better life.

I like it when you hold my hand or when you hug me. I like it better when you kiss me.

I’m sorry I could never say this out loud. It’s stupid, I know. I’m stupid, I perfectly know.

But once again, through this letter, I’m going to let you know—



The train stops and Jongin runs again. The house is just within his reach. The door is opened after he knocks on it and Jongin pants heavily.

Kyungsoo stands there in surprise.



—even though I never show it and I never act like it, but I really, really, really love you, Jongin. I’m sorry and thank you for being you.



Jongin watches the tears trail down Kyungsoo’s face, mimicking his own state, before he is pulling Kyungsoo into his arms.

“I love you.” He whispers, hugging Kyungsoo so tight that he could barely breathe, but the other doesn’t seem to mind it.

Kyungsoo nods against his shoulder, but Jongin knows better this time; that’s Kyungsoo’s way to tell him that he loves him, too.

It’s enough. It so precious to them. Even though it’s silly, it’s awkward, it’s silly.



Jongin smiles through his tears when he hears Kyungsoo’s soft murmur of ‘love you’.



It’s enough.

Kyungsoo has showed him all of his love. Jongin has long showed him all of his love.









Kyungsoo is silent. Jongin is loud. Kyungsoo is not sure. Jongin is insecure. This Christmas, their worlds clash.

They are polar opposite—

But they complete each other.









***








A/N: Merry Christmas! <3
Comment! Thank you!