Indestructible Chap. 11 : Kibum II

[kumo_is_kumo]

Title: Indestructible

Pairing: SHINee-OT5; Jongkey; hinted!2min

Genre: Friendship, Angst, Drama, Slice of life, Semi-Romance

Length: Series

Summary: Jinki and Jonghyun got hurt because of him. Minho and Taemin left because of him. What was the use of living for Kibum? There was nothing left to him. Or that was what he used to think until four people that he loved the most were coming back. This was a story of broken friendship between five young boys who tried to mend the bond once again.

Chapter 11: Kibum II



Kibum felt something. The moment those knocking sounds on his door resonated all over his empty place, he felt his heart beated faster. It felt like before; when he was not alone yet.

Taemin was so persistent. Minho was one patient man. And Jinki was the most kind-hearted one. Kibum couldn’t do anything about that.

Those two followed him everywhere. They kept on coming to his place, to where he worked, to anywhere he was going. Kibum hissed in front of them, wanting them to go away but it didn’t work. He forgot that those two were the best in playing games and they didn’t know the words ‘give up’.

Kibum locked his heart. He would not let his feelings out. He could not get hurt again. Opening up to someone would lead you to a great pain and then you wouldn’t know how to repair those broken feelings. No one told him the way to do so.

Everyday was the same for Kibum. Woke up, finding that he was alone; and then went out to his working place, only to see the pictures and news about his once-beloved person was happy with someone else. It broke his heart. But Kibum lost his heart already; he didn’t feel the pain any longer.

Minho knocked on the door. Taemin called his name, with that kind of voice and Kibum almost gave up. He curled up into a ball on the corner of his place, blocking every sound and voice of the laughing children in his mind. He remembered it. The soft call of his name triggered something important in the deepest part in his brain.

Kibum blocked everything out. He whimpered, begging his mind to stop bringing those nonsense memories, floating around in his brain as if to mock him. It didn’t work well.

The moment Kibum heard Jinki’s voice resonating, calling his name in the most familiar tone, Kibum lost the bet. He opened the door. Kibum found him. Them. He cried. It was so stupid; all those denials. Kibum couldn’t believe he gave up so fast upon hearing Jinki’s voice. He cried; clutching onto Jinki as if his life depended on him. Yeah, it was. Kibum’s lie was depended on him. He realized that.

Taemin came over to hug him. Kibum took a sniff of the soft scent and he felt various memories hit his head like trains. He got them back. Kibum got them back in his life.

It was almost complete. Almost; but Jonghyun was not there.

Those three came, as if they were practically living there with him. Kibum made no more rejection; he just still had that thin wall around him from opening up fully. The thin wall he knew only Jonghyun could break it down.

Yes, he broke it down. Jonghyun did.

He came, without further notice and appeared like a ghost in front of the doorway. Kibum backed away; he was afraid if he tried to reach for it, Jonghyun would be gone like in those dreams. Oh God, Kibum missed him so much. He was so handsome now; not that he wasn’t handsome before. No matter how ugly Jonghyun was, he would always be Kibum’s ideal man.

He stepped closer, and Kibum cried. He saw how the thin wall of insecurity was slowly falling down in sharp pieces, crashing down in loud sounds around him. Kibum felt himself bare; invisible and anyone could read him inside and outside.

He poked his cheek. Kibum didn’t know what was gotten into him but he did that. Jonghyun froze but he didn’t back away. He didn’t disappear like in those dreams. Kibum hugged Taemin. And he heard Jinki’s soft laugh. He caught the glimpse of Minho’s hidden smile.

Kibum felt his life was complete.



They stayed there as if they had lived there for their entire life. Jinki sat beside him; warm, gentle hand caressing his head with so much affection. Taemin sat cross-legged right in front of him; all smiled and eager to hear him say something new. Minho came back after a while, with some big carton bags in his hands. Jinki exclaimed in happiness when Minho mentioned that they were chickens, fries, burgers, and colas. Kibum felt the corner of his lips twitched.

He knew Jonghyun was staring at him. The older male was staying by the corner of the room, not moving and not saying anything. No one wanted to disturb him; his face was contorted in a hard way, ad if he was thinking so difficultly. Kibum chose to ignore that. He had wanted to stare at Jonghyun, admiring every corner of his face and to compliment him in every word. But it could wait.

Kibum was taken aback by the sudden goo smell of chicken under his nose. He blinked his tired eyes, watching as Jinki held onto a chicken leg for him to bite.

“Come on! This is really good!”

Kibum parted his mouth. “...f-for me?”

Taemin crawled to his side, head leaning down against his bony shoulder while he took another fry into his mouth. “You have to eat, Kibum hyung! Don’t let Jinki hyung take the chickens all for himself!”

Kibum hesitantly nodded he was kind of forgot the way chicken tastes. It had been a while. Jinki groaned threateningly at the youngest. Kibum parted his mouth, taking a baby bite at the crispy chicken leg. The taste felt so foreign yet so familiar. He almost threw up. Every moment and memory came back like a cheesy drama, flashbacks flooding his mind. Kibum felt the soft touch on his bottom lip, rough fingers wiping the crumbs of crisps from it. Minho smiled at him when Kibum just stared without saying anything.

“Jonghyun hyung. Your favorite burger with extra cheese,” said Minho, passing the burger in the thin paper as if he was playing a basketball. Jonghyun caught it. Kibum gripped onto his pants.

“Why...” he started and every pair of eyes was locked onto him. Jinki hummed questioningly, scooting closer to him to hear more clearly. Kibum gulped, his throat felt dry all of sudden from the chicken taste and from his nervousness.

“Why are you doing this? All of this?” Kibum questioned quietly. He felt everyone shifted uncomfortably around him.

Stupid. He made another mistake. They had come back but Kibum and his stupid mouth scared them away.

“Why won’t we do this?” Jinki questioned back, a frown clearly formed on his temple. Kibum gripped his fists, feeling his long, dirty nails digging into the skin of his palms. He scooted back; the insecurity came hitting him again.

“I don’t know. I’m a bad luck. No one should be near me.”

He folded his knees up, hands enveloping them tightly. His signature pose.

“What are you saying, Kibum-ah!?”

“Mrs. Lee had said it herself.”

“Kibum—”

“Why did you come back...?”

Silence filled the room. Kibum buried his tired face on his knees, pressed tightly against his eyes.

“Why won’t we come back?” murmured Minho. Kibum stopped breathing when he felt presence beside him. And then a hand. No, hands.

“Why won’t we come back for you, Kibum?”

“I... I destroyed your life. I took away your freedom. The only good thing I did was erasing my presence from his memories.”

Kibum heard the sharp intake of breathe, before two hands grabbed onto his shoulder. He was harshly being shook; a pair of angry eyes staring deeply into his.

“Stop saying things like that! Stop making me worry! Stop making us feel guilty! Just stop blaming yourself!”

Kibum heard something snapped inside his head.

“I’m the guilty one here! I deserve to be blamed! I destroyed your life! I made you into an accident! You went on therapy because of me! I scared Taemin and Minho away! I took their only freedom away from them! The only thing I’m good in was destroying people’s life! It was a mistake that you met me before! It was a good thing Jonghyun hyung had forgotten about me because I’m not worth in—”

Kibum stopped. The sound was so loud. The gasps were also so loud. But the pain was not there. The high voice rang in his ear yet Kibum didn’t feel anything. He didn’t feel anything and he couldn’t feel anything about that strong hit on his cheek.

“Are you done with this shit?” whispered Jinki in anger. Kibum let out a mocking snicker. “I deserve that for being such a bad luck.”

“Kibum, you—”

“You can’t change anything, hyung! You can’t change the fact that I did take everything away from all of you!”

He breathed harshly. The sounds were so loud. Kibum whimpered; the pain came a bit too late. He cried. It hurt so much. It hurt.

“Jinki hyung... just stop for a while, okay?” Jonghyun’s voice spoke. Kibum had forgotten his presence there. He looked up, finding Jonghyun right in front of him. He gave him his hand. Kibum hiccupped, hesitantly placing his hand on top of his.

It had been so long. The felt the electricity hit him again. Just like that time when they first had held hands together.

Jonghyun pulled him out for a while. Kibum cried. He was tired of crying. It was really tiring. He just couldn’t stop his tears.

“Stop... crying,” whispered Jonghyun with concern filling his voice. “Why are you crying?”

“I... I don’t even know why I cry,” croaked Kibum with his hoarse voice. Kibum groaned ugly, feeling his chest twisted in a great pain. He rubbed it, wanting the pain to go away.

Then he felt warm breathe hitting his nose, before a pair of warm lips were pressed against his cheek. Kibum stopped crying. He opened his eyes and found Jonghyun’s face was so close to his.

“Why did you do that...?”

“To stop your cry... I... I didn’t do it to lots of people! I... I don’t even know why I did that honestly,” murmured Jonghyun, eyes darting down to stare at his feet.

Kibum blinked. And a small smile crept onto his lips.

“I know.”

Jonghyun stared at him questioningly but Kibum simply ignored him for that. He focused more on his thumping heart.



He got back in. Jinki hugged him tight, whispering apologize over and over again. Kibum patted his back softly. Taemin came closer, hugging his waist tight. Kibum patted his shoulder. Minho came to gently pinch his cheek. Kibum patted his arm.

They sat down; or more likely Kibum sat down. The three were walking around the small apartment. Jonghyun stood frozen by the corner.

“Is that,” Taemin started, “banana milk...?”

Kibum stared. “Yeah. From a few years ago. From... From that day.”

Taemin forced a smile, nodding his head. Jinki scooted closer to him, standing in front of the coffee table where the youngest was still staring at a pack of expired drinks.

“Kibum-ah?”

“Mm?”

“Is this the CD for me?”

“Mm. Also from that day. And the other one was for Minho. It was the newest soccer game CD. But it was late no. Also from that day...”

The three sighed. “You prepared a lot for that day.”

Jonghyun stepped forward. “There was nothing... for me?”

Kibum bet his head down. Jinki glanced at him, waiting for what kind of answer that Kibum would give him.

“...no, hyung.”

Jonghyun nodded, hiding his disappointed face. Jinki sighed.

Kibum was planning on giving him a thing more valuable that day. He could remember it clearly.



A few weeks passed before they could even realize. Kibum could feel the corner of his lips twitched when he saw how Taemin was getting a piggyback ride on Jinki’s back after he defeated him in arms wrestling. Jinki’s groans were echoing all over the room and Minho’s loud laughter was booming.

They had been there for him. They didn’t even run away. Kibum closed his eyes before he slept, expecting an empty room right after he woke up in the morning, but he was awaken by the nice smell of freshly baked cookies. Kibum had found Taemin watching him sleeping for about a few times and it was seriously creepy. Then the youngest boy would shake his arm, telling him to wake up fully because the pancakes wouldn’t wait for him. Jinki was surely a big eater and he wouldn’t leave any if you didn’t hurry.

Kibum smiled.

He sat by the small dusty window, eyes trained on the busy street as he heard the laughing sounds of Taemin he felt presence and Kibum looked to his right, only to find Jonghyun sitting down beside him.

“Hey,”

“Hi, hyung.”

“So, what are you doing here?” asked Jonghyun carefully. Kibum shook his head and fiddled with the hem of his sweater. He heard soft chuckle coming from Jonghyun.

“So adorable, Kibum-ah.”

Kibum fought the urge to blush and he locked his eyes on the sight of cars and trucks down there. Jonghyun simply stayed silent and Kibum was thankful for that.

It was for another ten minutes when finally Kibum broke the silence.

“Jonghyun hyung,”

“What is it?”

“Can I... ask you something?”

“Sure, anything.” Kibum could hear the smile in his voice. He took a deep breath.

“What exactly... are you doing here, hyung?”

Kibum heard the sharp intake of breathe before Jonghyun answered, “What do you mean?”

“You have... a perfect life. You don’t have to force yourself, you know. You have a company to take care of, you have your parents you should listen to, and... and you have... a girlfriend to love.”

“Kib—”

“How is she, hyung? Does she know you are here? Isn’t she questioning about it?”

“Stop this crap right away.” Jonghyun gritted his teeth. Kibum locked his stare on his legs, not being able to stop himself from asking stupid questions. He heard Jonghyun sighed before he got up and left silently.

Kibum wouldn’t forgive himself if Jonghyun had really left him.



Everyone had thought he was asleep, but Kibum was wide awake. He could clearly hear every single conversation they had that night. Up from Taemin’s nagging, Minho’s soft laughs, to Jinki’s fail jokes.

Jonghyun hadn’t come back.

He held himself back from sighing. Kibum surely had made another mistake. But maybe it was for the best.

Taemin’s phone went off all of sudden. Kibum could hear how Minho quickly stopped the ringing sound. The sounds of typing were echoing in the silent night, before the youngest from the sighed.

“I think Mom is getting suspicious, hyung. She keeps on asking for these whole weeks. I’m tired and I don’t know what to answer. I run out of fake reasons...”

“My mother, too. She definitely knows something,” Minho responded softly. Jinki sighed. Kibum gripped into the thick blanket tighter.

“...I will think for an answer. Have you heard something from Jonghyun?” asked Jinki. Taemin mumbled a soft ‘no’ before it was Minho’s turn to have his phone rang.

“A message. From Jonghyun hyung.”

“What did he say?”

And they went silent. Kibum anticipated for any news but none of them talked. Then he heard Taemin let out a soft hiss.

“She can’t do that to hyung! She is practically lying to him for these whole years and she wants to continue controlling his life?!”

What was it. What was it. Kibum bit his lip from asking. They wouldn’t like it if they had found out he was listening the whole time.

“Let’s think about it tomorrow.”

Kibum wouldn’t be able to sleep that night.



Another week and Kibum felt the guilt in his chest was growing bigger by each day. He could see the uncomfortable looks in three pairs of eyes, owned by Jinki hyung, Minho, and Taemin. Everything was just too easy to be ended in a happy ending. Kibum knew it too well.

Taemin would fidget on his spot everytime someone’s phone vibrated for a new message. Jinki smiled, starting a new conversation with a gentle pat on his head to distract him. Kibum just knew everything too well.

They could never hide anything from him. Not from Kibum.

There was this newspaper that Kibum had stolen from Taemin’s bag and he had read it inside the bathroom. Upon reading the breaking news at the front page, Kibum felt the wall around him had built itself again. A very thick wall.

It was another day when Kibum locked himself inside. He stayed out alone on the balcony, sitting there without thinking anything in particular. He could hear the faint knocking on the door, the worried soft call of his name coming from Jinki’s mouth. They all were muffled by the thick wall Kibum had built around him. After everything that had happened in a few weeks, after Kibum felt like he had gotten back his happiness, it all came crashing down on him like the cruel reality it was.

He ignored everything. He blocked everything. Kibum felt nothing.

It was raining heavily by the time Kibum heard the loud sounds of something breaking through the door. He chose to not giving a shit about it and continued staring off the blurred sight of the empty dark road, or even giving a shit about how hard the rain was hitting his head and making his body wet.

“Kibum-ah!?”

Various paces of footsteps were heard and Kibum curled into a ball. He wanted to just escape from this reality. It was tiring and he was simple tired of everything.

“Kibum, what the hell are you doing out here!?” Jinki’s voice rang from behind him. Kibum curled even more.

“Hyung? What happened?” Taemin whispered and Kibum could hear how worried his voice despite the loud sound of rain hitting the asphalt. He felt arms, trying to peel him away from his curling position before he was brought into a tight hug.

“Just... whatever happen... please tell us, okay? Don’t keep things to yourself again. We are here for you, Kibum.”

Kibum squeezed his eyes shut. He felt so tired and he just wanted to sleep. Sleep... and sleep he did.



He was awoken by the soft thud of something like a door was closed softly. Kibum squinted his eyes, adjusting his sight to the blinding light and he realized that he was not home. It was a box-like room, with white ceiling and the annoying beeping sounds.

He was at the hospital.

Kibum sighed and fidgeted on his spot. The blanket was way too thin for him. Kibum felt his whole body hot and he knew it was not only fever for him. It was his anxiety, it was crawling back again because of him being in a strange place far away from his secluded room.

He wanted nothing but to just lock himself in his house and curled up again like he usually did. It was really unsafe out here.

There was sounds getting closer and Kibum closed his eyes, not having the mood to deal with Jinki’s worried face. He was too much sometimes.

“...and you better calm down. You wouldn’t want to wake Kibum, don’t you? He still has high fever, he is burning,” Jinki whispered softly, gently feeling Kibum’s temple. Kibum felt another presence beside him. It was Minho.

“Jinki hyung. Do you think we should tell Jonghyun hyung about this?”

Kibum held himseld back from stiffening at the mention of Jonghyun’s name. It brought back a certain memory into his mind and Kibum hated this feeling.

“I don’t know. Would it be wise to tell him... when he is currently busy with that thing?”

“I will text him. Can I, hyung?” asked Taemin and Jinki whispered a breathy ‘okay’. Kibum felt the bed dipped up and he could hear the typing sound Taemin was making with his phone.

“But, hyung,”

“Mm?” Jinki hummed distractedly, as Kibum felt his warm fingers caressing his head. Kibum almost melted at the touch.

“Mom called again this morning. She knows about this. What are we going to do?”

“I also got a call from my mother. It was the first time I ever ignored her call. I’m in a big problem.” Minho admitted.

“What do you think she knows?”

“Do you want to know my honest answer, hyung?” Taemin whispered.

“Yeah?”

“I think, no, I know she knows everything. She could do everything and I don’t even want to imagine it. I... I could still remember that time, hyung. It was so horrible. You were still unconscious at that time and I seriously didn’t know what to do... Jonghyun hyung was bleeding so much at that time... Kibummie hyung was unconscious. I don’t know anymore,”

“Taemin-ah, I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you at that time,” Jinki said, voice full of guilt.

“Jinki hyung!” Minho growled.

“No, hyung! It was not your fault!” Taemin shrieked.

“If... If I hadn’t been so careless at that time... all of this would never happen in the first place.”

It was depressing. Kibum didn’t like this one bit. It felt disgustingly hurting to hear them blamed their selves when he knew that the entire cause was him. Kibum was the cause of everything.

Kibum blocked everything out, not wanting to hear anymore and forced himself to sleep, while fighting back the urge to cry.



Jonghyun still hadn’t come back. Kibum lost the hope. Jinki hyung had never left his side ever since he woke up from his sleep. He was being questioned almost everything; his condition and everything else. Kibum forced a smile, but he could see they found it fake. He had no more energy left to smile.

When Jinki left his side, there would be Minho or Taemin who would be by his side. It was comforting yet depressing. It felt like Kibum was holding them here and taking away their freedom again. He seriously wanted to go away from the hospital but Jinki kept on saying that he was not well enough to leave his bed.

Kibum was looking forward for the time where he could be alone to think about everything.

It was the second week of Kibum staying at the hospital. Jinki was out doing God knew what. Minho was grabbing some food for him. Taemin was the one who was keeping an eye on him but due to the sudden phone call, he left the room for long enough already.

It was the chance for Kibum.

He had wanted to get out of the bed, walking around and stopped being treated as a sick. Taemin was nowhere to be found and for the first time, Kibum was thankful that they had left him alone.

He walked along the long corridor of the hospital, ignoring the weird stares from some nurses. Kibum just didn’t care anymore.

There were a lot in his mind. From the three to Jonghyun who he hadn’t heard for a while now. His legs brought him up to the rooftop. The door was opened and the moment Kibum felt the soft breeze of the wind hitting his face, he felt the feeling of freedom for the first time.
It had felt like all of his burdens were gone, vanishing into the thin air.

Kibum stepped forward, step by step until he was standing against the short wall which was separating him from the gravity. He stared down; the sight of cars and vehicles driving around was mesmerizing for him.

He wanted to stop. Kibum wanted to stop everything.

It sounded nice. Yeah. Stop this world. End everything.

His pale hands traced the cracks on the white wall which only reached his stomach. There was this urge, this need which was telling him what to do, pushing forward and Kibum lifted his right leg up.

He stood on his feet, wind blowing against his face as he realized just how high the ground was. It was fascinating. Kibum loved this feeling. It felt like all his misery was gone in an instant.

Jumping. He had wanted to try something extreme.

What would happen when he jumped, letting the gravity took over his body instead of his consciousness.

Jump. Jump. Jump. Just let it go. Let it go. End it.

Right. End it and—



“...kibum?”

He stopped, right leg taking its place back on top of the cement wall. He slowly turned around, eyes stopped on Minho’s worried face.

“Hey.”

Minho gulped the saliva down his dry throat. “Hey, buddy. What are you doing there...?”

Kibum let out a soft hum while shrugging. “The view is pretty. I just want to see it.”

“Do you really have to stand there?”

“It’s clearer from here. Really beautiful,”

“Kibum-ah,”

“Hey, Min. You also think I’m useless, don’t you?”

“What are you talking about...?”

Kibum turned around, facing Minho fully and he smiled a bit. “I ruined everyone’s life. I’m filth. I remembered clearly what your mother told you about me. We were so naive at that time. No, I was the one who was so naive, so stupid. Too stupid to even think you could be my friend. I’m being unfair to you, to everyone.”

“Kim Kibum, what the hell are you talking about!?” Minho growled loudly.

Kibum sighed with a smile. “Being no one means staying unnoticed for the rest of your life. I was that kid before, Minho. I met Jinki hyung, and then I added more burdens into his life by being a hug obstacle. Jonghyun hyung is so depressed with his life because he thinks he is forgetting me when in the first place, I don’t even have a spot in his mind. You know, you and Taemin are just following what the hyung are doing. I pity you, Minho. Pity you for being able to meet me.”

The door was pushed open and Jinki hyung came in his breathless state, followed by Taemin.

“Say one more word and I won’t forgive you, Kibum,” hissed Jinki hyung threateningly. Kibum chuckled.

“Do you think I want your forgiveness, hyung? I don’t even deserve it for being such a burden,”

“Kibum!”

“I...” Kibum smiled, “I was always thinking before. What good deeds I had done in my previous life to be able to meet all of you... Then you all disappeared and I used to blame you for a while. ‘Why did you leave me? Why wouldn’t you stay with me? You promised me, Jinki hyung.’ But now I feel stupid. Do you know why?”

Kibum sighed and stared up at the blue sky. “You... I ruined you. All of you. I stopped hoping, I stopped blaming you, I stopped being delusional. You and I... we don’t mean to stay together.”

Jinki hyung took a step back and Kibum smiled. “Hey, hyung. Don’t get closer, it’s no use. I like it here. It’s so beautiful.”

Footsteps were heard and Kibum’s smile dropped when Jonghyun appeared from behind the door.

“Oh, hey, Jonghyun hyung. What brings you here?”

Jonghyun stared, fists shaking by his sides as he locked eyes with Kibum. “What do you think you are doing there?”

Kibum smiled and he felt his chest was so full. “It has been a while. For us to be able to talk like this, you know... It feels complete now.”

“Kibu—”

“Jonghyun hyung,” Kibum cut him, “I haven’t been able to say that to you until now. It has been years and I think I have the courage now. Do you think I should say it, Jinki hyung?”

Everyone’s attention was landed on oldest man and he simple nodded with a forced smile. “Go ahead, Bum. Tell him everything you wanted to tell years ago.”

Kibum smiled and nodded. “At that day... that fateful day... I was planning on telling you something, Jonghyun hyung. I was sure everyone knew this already. No, I won’t tell this only to you, let me tell this to all of you,”

He breathed deeply and took a step back. He could hear everyone stopped breathing.

“I love you. All of you. Being the hard-headed person I was, I could never bring myself to tell this. I think I lost all the confidence already. I love you, all of you. It’s just... I have always loved you a bit more than everyone else, Jonghyun hyung. Do you believe that...?”

There was tear drop scrolling down Kibum’s sunken cheek. It felt nice to be able to cry in happiness. He had never felt this happy in a while.

“Kibummie,” Jonghyun called. It sounded really sweet.

“I...” He gulped and smiled, as happy as he could, as sincere as he could, as lovely as he could, as pretty as he could—

“I want you to know... that I’m happy for your engagement, Jonghyun hyung. I’m happy that I could congratulate you now. Take care of her. Take care of Jinki hyung, lead Minho and Taemin like a hyung. Be happy. All of you, too. I’m sorry for everything... Be happy and forget everything about me. Okay? Pinky promise with me...?”



—for the last time.



Kibum smiled. He took a step back.



Jinki screamed. Minho froze. Taemin cried. Jonghyun shouted.

And Kibum fell.











***








A/N: Kibum spoke up his mind. And he fell, oh no! What will happen next? Everything will end in the next chapter as the final one. I hope you can anticipate it because the next one is the last for this story T_T It's ending soon, I can't believe it :')

I will post a new story soon so I hope for more of your support in the future! Please leave a comment and tell me what you think about it :) Thank you!